I WANT TO HAVE WEIRD SEX WITH YOU -
DO YOU OWN A CATTLE PROD?
FUNNY, STRANGE, ROMANTIC, TWISTED, SENTIMENTAL POETRY
AND SONG PARODIES
By
Stu Cassell
Grandfather
The old man took the little boy's hand
And directed him quietly where to stand.
He handed him bread to toss on the ground
But cautioned him firmly, to make not a sound.
In just a moment the first bird did appear
And with his beak the crumbs did he spear,
More birds, large pigeons, gathered to dine
Pecking and chirping the entire time.
With nary a word, the old man knelt to his knees
The young boy followed, hoping to please.
With silent awe he watched Grandfather charm
Bird after bird, who from him feared no harm.
For the old man was gentle, such a dear gentle man
And soon birds were eating right out of his hand.
A few moments later, to the boy's great delight
The old man let him pet one, before they took flight.
They were best friends in more ways than one
Secrets exchanged under the bright noon day sun.
Lessons taught, warm hugs, kisses too,
The man and the boy, one old and one new.
And though the boy was only five years old
People said he's much too wild, much too bold,
But his grandfather accepted him, and it's funny you see
When they were together, he was calm as could be.
Those were great times, for both man and boy
When life was simple, and so full of joy.
But in moments of anguish, when the boy's hurt was plain,
It was Grandfather he ran to, only he eased the pain.
A scraped knee or hurt feelings, all quickly healed
By the old man's love, always fully revealed.
Yes, kindred spirits, in heart and in soul,
Inseparable buddies, two parts of a whole.
And one day while they sat singing songs in the breeze
The old man shivered and started to sneeze,
He turned to the youngster and asked the boy to reply,
"Grandson, will you remember me long after I die?"
The little boy grew quiet with a pain in his heart
Hating to think of them ever being apart,
But he lifted his head, saying with a slight shrug,
"I'll never forget you Grandpa" - then he gave him a hug.
It wasn't long after the old man became ill
He waged a valiant battle, but then his heart grew still,
And as he made his journey to Heaven above
He carried with him the little boy's love.
Now forty years later in the dead of night
The boy now a man, still remembers the sight
Of pigeons chirping and flocking all around
As he and his grandfather tossed bread on the ground.
He had only five short years with that sweet old man
Yet the memory is as vivid as the lines in his hand.
And to answer your question, Dear Grandfather of mine,
This poem's for you, with love in each line.
The Vampire's Ball
Fifty musicians, all in tune
Played a waltz, that filled the room
Enchanting beings, in capes and gowns
Twirled and floated above the ground.
Flashes of Red, shimmering black
Masks made of feathers, beads that were stacked
A power surging through one and all
Kindred spirits at the Vampire's Ball.
A crystal chandelier, 200 years old
Younger than most, among the fold
A Family with a heritage unique
A reunion of sorts, communion oblique.
Telepathic conversations, secrets shared
As well as the HUNGER, but no fangs bared
Lots of bodies, but none would fall
No ordinary spectacle, the Vampire's Ball.
This brief gathering assures them all
They aren't alone when they answer the CALL
Immortals who, strike to survive
Drink the BLOOD of those still alive.
Beautiful beings dance through the night
Eyes glowing Red, skin milk white
Laughter and longing fill the great hall
Celebrating LIFE ETERNAL at the Vampire's Ball.
UNCHAINED MEDLEY
It was a warm, sunny day,
So Josh and Ben went out to play.
They hadn't been very long
When they heard a robin sing this song:
"Oh I've got plenty of nuttin*
and nuttin's a plenty for me"
The boys were surprised I must confess
To hear a bird singing show tunes
From "Porgy and Bess."
And as they sat under the big oak tree
They were treated to a wonderful medolee.
Oklahoma, Kiss Me Kate,
Even Cats,
All performed first rate!
The Phantom of the Opera
That bird did trill.
Giving the boys
Quite a thrill.
And as amazing as all this must surely seem,
As Ben and Josh looked up
They thought,
"This must be a dream!"
For besides singing each wonderful song,
The robin had costumes to go along.
Quickly changing from one to another,
The bird dressed the part. Be it sister or brother!
For Gypsy he wore a pretty blue dress,
Man of La Mancha, armor on his chest.
The kids applauded, and this is the truth,
When he appeared as Tveya, From Fiddler on the Roof.
Singing, "If I were a Rich Man"
With gusto galore,
He had Josh and Ben
Begging for more.
And the attention they gave him went not unrewarded,
For the kids didn't realize what they had started.
You see this robin was born for stage,
And when he started doing "impressions"
He was quite the rage!
He did Carol Channing from Hello Dolly
And when he did Lassie, he looked like a collie.
He did Robert Deniro with intensity,
As he repeated the phrase,
"Are you talking to me?"
For Brando's Godfather, these lines he did use,
"I'll make you an offer you can't refuse"
To see a small bird do Pee Wee Herman,
Was almost as funny as his Ethel Merman.
But the best he saved for the end,
And this one raised goose bumps
On Josh and Ben.
His last set he did dressed as "The King"
It was Elvis, singing ...
"Impossible Dream".
A little white jumpsuit with bell bottom pants,
Long black sideburns, and that famous stance.
Feet apart, and a wing in the air,
Shaking his hips, tussling his hair.
With eyes closed you'd swear it was He,
Not a small bird, but Elvis Presley,
Sung with emotion, full of respect,
Pausing once to offer
The scarf from his neck.
And when he was done
Amid applause he did flee,
And a loud voice announced,
"ELVIS HAS LEFT THE TREE!"
Ben and Josh waited for the bird to return,
To give him the thanks, he certainly did earn,
But that was the last time they ever did see,
That talented robin sing from the tree.
For weeks they waited for their new friend,
Hoping he'd come back to perform again,
And finally they saw him, though not on his perch;
He was on the TV, doing Star Search!
Later this bird with talent so rare,
Opened in Vegas, appearing with Cher.
And though the boys missed him,
They wished good luck to their friend,
That funny little bird, they knew "Way back when..."
Fall From Grace
She was BIG! 2 meters or more,
And when we made love
It shook the floor.
I needed a boost
To get on top,
But once I was there
I just wouldn't stop.
This damsel I speak of,
This woman divine -
I met at a disco
Called "End of the Line"
She took me home
And bedded me down,
Saying, "Watch out Sweets,
The circus is in town!"
It was all I could do
To stay astride,
She rocked and she rolled -
God what a ride!
And all of a sudden,
On the floor, on my face,
Came the realization,
I had fallen from Grace!
Hallelujah (Song Parody)
I heard there was a time in life
When a man’s alone with his wife,
Can this be true, do you know, do ya?
It started with diapers and then the rides,
To school, movies, mall, and water slides,
Braces on teeth, oh will we survive? Hallelujah
Chorus
Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelu-u-u-u-jah ....
Dad can I borrow the car tonight?
Wait a minute – didn’t we just have a fight?
You didn’t clean your room, pick up your clothes, did ya?
Suddenly, the curse comes true,
My mother voice saying, you’ll have kids too
They’ll aggravate your wife and you – hallelujah!
Chorus
Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelu-u-u-u-jah ....
Well, the kids did finally leave home,
They’re on their own, and now we’re alone,
The TV is ours, and also the phone, Hallelujah!
Well now they’re gone, and I wish they were here
The house is too quiet, I need a beer
But the wife’s eyes are twinkling for the first time in years – Hallelujah!
Chorus
Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelu-u-u-u-jah ....
Whisper of Romance (can be sung to the tune of Hotel California)
Someone crept in my bedroom,
Whispered in my ear
Said they wanted to love me
Said there's nothing to fear
In my sleep I responded
Reaching out it would seem
In my slumber I yearned to
Make love to a dream
Felt soft lips press against mine
Two arms hold me tight
Felt a heart beating wildly
We made love through the night
In the morning I woken
Hoping there was a chance
I'd find more in my bed
Than a fading Whisper of Romance
All alone in my bedroom
Looking out at the moon
Pondering when you'll return
Hoping it will be soon
Come to me in a dream, love
Let's resume our dance
Prove to me you are more than
A mere Whisper of Romance.
Anger, Life, Hope,
And A Distinct Lack Of Self-Control
There is a well of anger in me,
That fuels a measure of hostility.
I wish that cloud that is over my head,
Would stop filling my life with dread.
Sometimes I stop and wonder why
Life is so hard for those that try
To do the right things, be kind to all -
Why do the best ones take the fall?
I guess that's the test we all must meet,
Endure peaks and valleys, while we seek
Understanding and knowledge true,
Of life's mysteries, old and new.
So I'll persevere and bide my time
Count my blessings, and walk the line
Give it my all, with my head held high
Waiting for sunshine and a blue sky.
And I'll act my part with the rest of the cast
Hoping to disprove, "Good guys finish last"
For I believe in a heaven above
I believe in goodness and love.
Life is too short, (and so am I)
To throw in the towel, without a try
So come my friends, let us not despair
Let's get on with it, and do it with flair.
Yes, we're not alone, we mortal souls
And there's more to the universe than ugly black holes
So let anger fuel efforts anew
Let your fury bring out the best in you.
And who knows, maybe we'll all be surprised,
As we rise above those we've despised.
For maybe it just isn't in the grand plan,
For mortal beings to understand
The where's and the whys of life's bright spark,
Perhaps, we are destined to grope in the dark.
Yes, there is an anger residing in me,
Created by my prior life's history,
But I am determined to play out this hand,
And end up a winner, yes, that is my plan.
So I'll end this poem, and go get a beer,
As I raise my glass, and speak of good cheer,
And I grab my woman, and pinch her rear,
I sure hope this poem's ending is near.
For it seems to ramble line after line,
And I'm not sure all of the thoughts are mine.
Help me, I'm caught in poetic verse,
And my iambic pentameter is becoming a curse.
Stop me before I rhyme again,
Wait, could this sentence be the end?
I don't think so
- here's a new line,
You don't have to read it if you don't have the time.
I wonder when my phrases will stop,
If anyone hears me, I need a cop,
Or someone to come here and put an end
To this mindless dribble of which I do pen,
Put me out of my misery black,
Force feed me ham hocks, from a big stack,
Make me watch Real Housewives ten times or more,
Til I learn my lesson, and beg from the floor,
For forgiveness for this day,
As it's apparent I got carried away.
So I hope no decides, my neck should be choked,
And I hope no one wants my poetic license revoked.
I promise this really is all I will say,
Just one more rhyme, and I'll call it a day.
Yes, I can see this creation is slowly dying,
It's finally happening, so stop your crying,
In just a sentence, all will conclude,
As I say, sorry, I didn't mean to be rude.
Okay, okay, with this last word,
I'll admit I got weird, a little absurd,
But look, the poem, she's ready to quit,
As I type the final two words, THAT'S IT!
Timeless Journey
A stranger walked through a lonesome desert
His parched throat ached with thirst
A seeker of knowledge, pursuer of wisdom
Would enlightenment visit, or Death first?
His bone weary movements left heavy footprints
As he dragged himself over many a dune
But the winds of time scattered his traces
And his mind's madness hummed a Devil's tune.
Timeless journey, take him somewhere
Grant him peace, intelligence true
Knowledge may free some, ignorance lifted
Bless the pilgrim with purpose anew.
First Love
There will never be a love so pure
Nor one that will cease to endure
Like my First Love, the one I hold
Tightly in my heart like precious gold.
It was at a time in my young life
When there was no inner peace, just great strife
But a kiss from your lips granted sweet relief
It was magical, quite beyond belief.
Stolen moments of Passion, hearts pounding madly
Innocent Love, it ended quite sadly
Like so many others we drifted apart
Miles between us, but you're still in my heart.
The years come and go as I grow old
Still thinking of you, if the truth be told
Wondering if someday in heaven above
I'll see you again, my dear First Love.
House of Strange Fun (House of the Rising Sun parody)
There is, a house, in Mehlville
Where you can have strange fun,
And in a dark room, a woman dressed in black,
Is waiting, to spank, your bun.
Now I went there as a novice,
Not knowing, what I’d find,
And I have to be quite honest,
I didn’t have a very good time.
Cause that woman dressed in leather,
Danced Flamenco on my nose,
And as if that weren’t quite bad enough,
She made me put on her clothes
Now I didn’t mind the panties
Or the lace bra I confess,
But the shoes and belt came from K-mart – ooh!
And they just, didn’t go with the dress!
THE GREAT ENABLER (Great Pretender Parody)
Oh yes I’m the great Enabler,
Enabling my wife with sweets,
My need is such, that I enable too much,
Making lots of fattening eats.
Oh yes, I’m the great Enabler,
Be it candy, cake, or pie,
I can’t eat alone,
And for that must atone,
But for now, have another Reese’s on me.
Too real is this feeling of make-believe
As I wipe chocolate from my lips with my sleeve.
Oh yes, I’m the great Enabler,
Burping as I say, “Excuse me”
My waist will expand,
But there’s Kit-Kats in my hand,
Here’s a Snickers to have with your tea.
NOW I’M 64 (When I'm 64 parody)
Now that I’m older, lost all my hair, grey in my beard right now
Glad you sent me a birthday card, it’s the only thing I have semi-hard.
I can’t stay out til a quarter to 3, cause I’d fall asleep at the door,
Will you still feed me, do you still need me, now I’m 64?
You’ll grow older too
And if you don’t toss me out, I’ll remain your Jew.
I can eat candy, potato chips too, yogurt pretzels galore,
I’d love to sleep with you every night, but my dear the snoring’s a fright.
Playing a card game, watching tv – who could ask for more?
Will you still feed me, cook, clean, and schtup me, now I’m 64?
Send me an email, post on my time line, just give me a clue,
Indicate precisely what you mean to say, please don’t make me say “Oy vay!”
Text me your answer, tweet me some words, 140 characters, no more,
Will you still feed me, do you still need me, now I’m 64?
Hello Prostate My Old Friend (Sounds of Silence parody)
Intro picking
Am G
Hello prostate my old friend,
G Am
I've come to talk with you again.
Am F C
Because a tingle softly creeping
C F C
Woke me up while I was sleeping
F F C
And the tingle, that was planted in my brain
Am G Am
still remains - within the sounds of silence.
Am G
In restless dreams I walked alone
G Am
Stood in the bathroom near the throne
Am F C
Beneath the halo of a small night light
C F C
I dropped my briefs – not a pretty sight
F F C
Prepared to drain the lizard once again
Am G Am
But in the end, nothing touched the sounds of silence.
Am G
And in the naked light I saw
G Am
10,000 old men, maybe more
Am F C
People standing without peeing
C F C
People listening without hearing
C F F F C
People hoping to take a decent leak
Am G Am
Please don’t peek – amid the sounds of silence
Am G
Fool said I, you do not know
G Am
Why you wake up, just to go
C F C
When you get there nothing occurs
C F C
When you get there nothing stirs
F F C
You may as well just stay in the bed;
Am G Am (pick)
instead, and wear Depends in silence.
Yippee Ki Yay Little Housewife (original comedy song)
She walked into the room,
Carrying a broom,
And we knew right then
That she would clean again.
Yippee Ki Yay Little Housewife
Yippee Ki Yo
Dust didn’t stand a chance
And germs couldn’t advance
As she spread that Lysol down
On every square inch of ground.
Yippee Ki Yay Little Housewife
Yippee Ki Yo
With energy galore,
She mopped and scrubbed the floor
And as sweat rolled down her cheek
She only pauses once – to take a leak.
Yippee Ki Yay Little Housewife
Yippee Ki Yo
Now she works all alone,
Except for Oprah, her kids, and the phone
Workin her fingers to the bone,
Until her man comes home.
And every night when that schmuck walks through that door,
She already knows what’s in store,
His newspaper, a beer, a pinch on the rear, and then he’ll roll over and snore.
Yippee Ki Yay Little Housewife
Yippee Ki Yo
And though payment is none
And the rewards are few
The little housewife always does
What’s she’s got to do
Because deep in her heart,
She knows it’s true
That some day, that fat slob will croak,
And she’ll get his insurance, and his pension too.
Tribute to Andrew Lloyd Weber (assorted parodies)
Memory
Touch me, and you know that I’ll pay you
Fifty bucks just to lay you
For five minutes or less.
Touch me, I’m growing so firm and so hot,
Oops, it’s gone now, thanks a lot!
Jesus Christ Superstar
Jesus Christ! What did you do?
Filled yourself with superglue!
Now I’m stuck, in for good,
Isn’t this carrying togetherness
Further than we should?
I Don’t Know How To Love Him
I, don’t know how to love him,
Just because I’m not ga-ay,
Evita
Don’t cry for me Margarita
You were supposed to be immoral
Not much to ask for,
I brought a plunger –
Put on this sheep suit,
I’ve got Mazola,
Here are some handcuffs….
Think of Me
Think of me, Think of me fondly
As I sit on your face,
Remember dear, please be gentle
As we pick up the pace.
I know I don’t, have very much down there,
But what I’ve got I’d like to keep,
So if you could just remember,
Please don’t use your teeth.
Valley Jew (original comedy song)
She was a Jew from the valley, attended Washington U.
Driving her daddy’s Mercedes, all over Ladue.
She had a nose job, braces on her teeth,
Wore gold and lots of make-up,
And ate, brisket, o-of be-eef.
She said she needed a vacation,
After all it was Spring Break.
Drove to Palm Beach to get a tan,
And be on the make.
Stayed at the family condo,
Cruised the pools by the day.
Searching for a doctor, or a C-hee P-ee A-Ay.
And on the eve of the 3rd day
She met a guy,
Fell in love at first sight,
But she knew her parents would die.
He as tall, dark, and handsome,
And a rich lawyer, too – oo.
But with a name like Mohammed Abdul Achmed,
You know, he wasn’t a Jew!
Wasn’t a Jew-hoo-hoo. Oy Vay!
I WANT TO HAVE WEIRD SEX WITH YOU (original comedy song)
I want to have weird sex with you,
Do you own a cattle prod?
In a pinch, whips and chains will do,
I want to have weird sex with you.
Now if you want to grant my fondest wish,
Bring some whip cream and some tuna fish,
Put a polka on the stereo,
And rub Ben-Gay on my big toe.
Is it so strange, that I should feel,
Excited whenever I smell raw veal?
It is so awful that I should desire,
Someone dressed in leather to set my tushie on fire?
Now I hope you haven’t gotten the wrong impression,
And think that I’ve suffered a mental regression,
There’s really nothing, for you to fear,
Just because I’m wearing my sister’s brassiere -
On my rear.
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