How Chicken Marsala Saved Me $200

 

How Chicken Marsala Saved Me $200 or 

There's An Hour of My Life I'll Never Get Back!

By

Stu Cassell

 Every year my family gets together for a mini reunion in Cupertino, California each spring to celebrate the Jewish holiday, Passover.  It's a long established tradition that I've often wondered about since our family is Italian.  I guess we all like matzo. 

Even though the event often takes place in April, my compulsive nature forces me to make our travel arrangements well in advance of that. In 2020 I had already purchased our airline tickets, made airport parking, hotel and car rental reservations,  picked out our seats on all connecting flights, penciled in the date of my next anxiety attack, (I'm a white knuckle flyer) and decided upon my in flight beverages and psych meds, by the middle of February.  Oh yeah, I also bought new underwear in case TSA decided to pull me over for a strip search. 

When we first heard about Covid-19 my family waited for a couple of weeks and then ultimately decided to cancel the reunion.  My sister and nephew from Boston, my son and his fiancee from Seattle, and cousin from Oakland, California all agreed we'd better skip 2020's family event.  Bummer, man!

Normally, I tried to fly on a round trip ticket with the same airline.  This time however, because Southwest didn't have any non-stop flights to San Jose and back, I bought our tickets going with Southwest, and returning with American Airlines. 

Once we knew our trip wasn't happening I attempted to get refunds from Southwest and American.  "No can-doodle" they both told me.  Southwest at least offered me an option to convert dollars into pesos, pesos in rubles, and then rubles into their Southwest points that would never expire (kind of like Hostess Twinkies).  "We own your soul, sucker, and now you're ours forever!"

American Airlines on the other hand, said,  "Sorry Bubala, but you cancelled your trip too soon.  There just weren't enough people sick and dead yet when you punked out on us so your $200 plane ticket will turn to  fairy dust (as well as my wife's) if y'all don't book another flight by July 2021."

In the meantime, my sister from Boston died in January after a life long battle with cancer, and our 13 and a half year old dog died two months later.  It was too dangerous in January for us elders to fly to Boston for the funeral, and after Jack died in March, we were too depressed to think about a "vacation."

But now it's June, and I needed to do something about the credit disappearing on July 3rd.  To that end, I called American Airlines to try to save our $200 x 2 = $400 air fares.

First, I had to navigate "Voice Mailbox Hell."

Press 1 for English, 2 for Spanish, 3 for Pig Latin, and 4 for Klingon.

Press 1 for Reservations, 2 for Inhibitons, 3 for Compulsions, and 4 for Revolutions

"If you like the next available agent to call you back - well, good luck with that!"

I left a trail of bread crumbs and I made my way through the voice mail maize.  Eventually, I left a call back number and then waited by the phone as I began to sing lyrics from the old Vickki Carr song, "Let It Be Him."

"Let is please be him, oh dear God, it must be him, or I shall die."

A while later the phone rings.  "But it's not him, and then I die."

It's a robo-call with the bogus late tax bill scam.  "Hello, this is the IRS. Unless you buy us a pre-paid Itunes gift card as payment for late taxes from 1964, we will confiscate your house, your car, and will have your first born son put to sleep."

I think to myself, "That's rather extreme," and I hang up the phone with a plan to put my son in the witness protection program.

A few minutes later American Airlines calls.  It's time to get down to bidnez.

I explain my situation and ask the agent, "What can you do to help?"  He tells me that American Airlines has several programs I can choose from to extend my credit for the unused tickets another 18 months.  Do tell.

I have my choice of the following programs, which all involve spending more money. 

1) Buy Miles.  Sure, you have a ticket you can't use, so why not spend more money for more airplane miles you can't use? At least you'll have another 18 months not to use them.

2) Shop 'til you Plotz!  Mo spending, Mo spending, Mo, Mo, spending!  Join our buying club and give in to your impulse shopping urges. You know you wanna.

3) Sign up for Argentine Dance Lessons

4) Join our Clown College.  Haven't you ever wondered how they squeezed so many clowns into that tiny car?  Be part of the fun!  That red nose becomes you.

5) Book a hotel.  You don't even have to stay there - just book it!

6) Book a vacation - haven't you wanted to visit Parma, Ohio - the white socks capital of the USA?

7) Nosh!  Stuff your fat little face, and earn miles in the process.

I do loves me some noshing, so I joined the American Airlines Dining Club.  I saw the Pasta House was among the restaurants in their list, and after enrolling in the club I placed my first on line order.  I ordered 2 chicken marsala dinners, which came with the house salad, pasta with red or white sauce, and some dinner rolls.

I drove to Creve Coeur last night to get our dinners.  The food was delicious and now my American Airlines credit is good for 18 more months.

Now my wife has to deal with hers.  They wouldn't let me sign her up for the Diners Club because we only have one credit card. They say she either has to get another credit card or pick another way to extend the miles.  Clown College it is!