How I Knew It Was Time To Retire

Sometimes you make a decision or do something, and later think to yourself, "Did I lose my mind back then?" Like answering your wife when she asks, "Do I look fat in this dress?"

In 2009 my wife and I were both unemployed. After a series of failed attempts to get jobs, we made the fateful decision to raid our retirement savings, and purchased a worthless bed and breakfast in a small town in central Florida that wasn't near anything, and no one had ever heard of. But that's a story for another time.

We spent nearly 3 years trying to make a go of it with the B&B, before selling the house at a loss and returning to St. Louis. My wife, who is 10 years younger than me, was unable to return to her former IT profession. She ended up taking a low level clerical job. I was in my 60's, and my job interviews focused on my former profession as a property manager. What I am about to describe was my last job interview prior to deciding it was time for me to retire and go on Social Security.

When I entered the offices of this particular management firm, I swear there wasn't a single person I saw that was beyond their 20's. I already knew what the outcome of this interview would be, and I just couldn't take it seriously. As a former stand-up comic and joke writer, there have been times in my life when I did things just for my own amusement. This last job interview was one of those times.

I arrived a little before 10:00 AM, went to the reception desk and said, "I'm here for a 10:00 o'clock appointment. The receptionist asked, "Who are you?" I pulled out my wallet, looked at my driver's license and said, "According to this, I'm Stuart Cassell."

She told me to have a seat. Everyone in the office, including the 2 twelve year-olds that interviewed me wore jeans. I was glad I didn't put on my pin striped business suit for this interview, but in my khakis and sweater I still felt over dressed.

The two young men led me to the conference room and as we sat down I said, "Before we start - I've answered a lot of job ads on Craigslist. Is this the property management job, the brain surgeon position, or the juggler gig?"

The kid with glasses asked, "Did you really apply for a brain surgeon job?" I answered, "Well, yes, although I can't say I've actually ever performed brain surgery. However, I've always been good with my hands."

The other kid asked, "Can you really juggle?" I said, "Certainly, please bring me 3 ripe oranges and I'll show you."

He ignored my response and said, "The position we're looking to fill is that of a property manager."

I said, "I was afraid of that, but as long as I'm here, we may as well do this. May I call you John?"

"My name is Seth."

I told him, "I knew that! But I've just always liked the name John. John is such a versatile name; it can refer to a person, a toilet, or the client of a prostitute."

Silence

 "Look I said, I really suck at this - can I start over?"

Seth looked at Corey and said, "Ok."

 "Thanks, I've answered a lot of job ads on Craigslist. Is this the property management job, the brain surgeon position, or the juggler gig?"

Trying to dismiss me Corey said, "All right, well we have your resume, do you have any questions?"

I said, "Yes, do you think this sweater makes me look fat."

Then I asked him, "Corey, where do you see yourself in 5 years?"

I realized at that point that the interview was over so I said, "Listen, why don't you have your service call my service and we'll do lunch sometime? Tell you what, if you don't hear from me by Monday it probably means I took the brain surgeon job."

I headed for out the door and looked at my watch - it was 10:10 AM. I still had plenty of time to go back home and sign up for Social Security.