How I Met My Soul Mate

 

When wife #2 and I realized things just weren’t working out between us after 12 years of marriage, I had her put to sleep. Then I went into a dating frenzy. This was 26 years ago. To meet women I placed an ad in the Personals column of the River Front Times.

My ad read: “I’m 49 years old, but all the parts still work. I’ve been told I look 10 years younger by people I’ve bribed to say nice things about me. Those same people tell me I look 6’ tall, when really I’m just 5’5”. We’re currently negotiating to determine what it would take for them to lie about my weight – but in the meantime, let’s just say I’m no porker. Actually, I stay in pretty good shape by walking, volleyball, and unusual sex practices. I’m just kidding – I don’t walk that much. As far as my looks, I’m handsome enough to attract any woman who accepts MasterCard. Remember, a man is not merely the sum of his parts, especially after he gets out of a cold swimming pool. Unlike most men, I realize there’s more to life than just sex, there’s … wait, don’t tell me – I had it here just a minute ago. Oh yeah, there’s chocolate, that’s it, chocolate, and plenty of it! There’s one thing you should know about me; despite the jokes, I don’t rush into intimacy. On the other hand, a well delivered fondle is always the perfect ice-breaker. If I sound interesting to you, please respond before midnight. Otherwise, respond after midnight. “ I was single for about two and a half years. I knew my quest to find my soul mate was getting out of control when I made 4 dates for one day. It was on a Saturday. I had a coffee date in the morning, then a lunch date, an afternoon date to get sodas, and then a dinner date. I didn’t connect with any of the women. I know I’m a little weird. On the last date the woman I met was shorter than me, and had white hair. She reminded me of my Baba Ruth, who was in her 80’s. There was no chemistry between us, and I know if I dated her I’d be after her to make me some rice pudding or a noodle kugel, just like my grandma used to make. I felt bad because she was interested in me, in fact, when I pulled up to her apartment she asked me, “Am I going to see you again?” I said, “I’m sorry, I don’t think so, but we have lovely parting gifts.” I reached behind my seat and grabbed a Jewish calendar and gave it to her. She smiled and thanked me, and that was that. Yeah, I knew I had a problem all right. So, I stopped dating and got a cat. I named the cat Natasha, and focused on her for a couple of months, until I was ready to give it another try. This time I got on a match-making website. I had a 75% match with a woman 10 years younger than me. We emailed for a week, then we started talking on the phone. Back then we didn’t post our pictures so we agreed to send each other a photo. I thought she was really pretty. She had blond hair, blue eyes, and a nice smile. I asked her out to dinner for our first date, and made reservations at a really nice Italian restaurant called “Boccacio’s” in St. Charles. This was a first for me. I have never taken a woman to a fancy restaurant on the first date. To be honest, I wasn’t making much money at the time, and I was a single father with two school aged kids. What was I thinking? But for some reason, I wanted to do this with her. Conversation flowed effortlessly between us, as it had on every one of our phone calls. There was a lot of laughter, and she killed me when the waiter came and she placed her food order, then added, “and I’ll have it Super-sized,” like you’d say at McDonald’s years ago. She had me at “Super-size.” Usually, I’m the one making the jokes, entertaining the ladies, but Rose was quick and funny too. I’m going to give you the Reader’s Digest version of our “courtship.” It started off a little rocky. When I meet someone new, I’m kind of quiet and reserved for the first few weeks. I was polite and gentlemanly, and brought little gifts like stuffed teddy bears. This raised a red flag with Rose. You see just before we started dating, she broke up with a guy that behaved like me in the beginning, but stalked her afterwards. She thought I was also a stalker. She stopped seeing me because of that. I hatched a plan to win her back. I got back on the match making site and made up several profiles. I made sure they matched with a lot things on Rose’s profile. Then I contacted her via the bogus accounts I created. Once I made contact with Rose I gave each of the “guys” some very negative attributes. One guy was strictly interested in sex. Another guy was a creepy law enforcement character with some pretty radical ideas. After a week or two I emailed Rose and offered to take her to a movie with some sneak preview passes I got. She initially passed, but didn’t tell me to buzz off. I waited a short while, and got some more movie passes and contacted her. This time she accepted my offer. We always had fun dates. We’d meet at the movie theater after work, and I had sandwiches in my coat that I bought on the way to the show. I also had cans of cold soda in my pockets, and a couple of times I brought liquor filled chocolates for dessert. We went on more dates, and finally I had to confess to her what I did with the fake profiles on the dating site. It was a risk, because she’d either think it was very romantic, or that I was really deceptive and not someone she wanted to be with. Fortunately for me, she thought it was very romantic. That being said, she told me about some other real guys that were even creepier than my made up fellows. We had a good laugh over that, and my real offbeat kooky personality emerged, and Rose loved it. That was 26 years ago. Rose was and is the only person I’ve ever known that truly “gets” me. Nothing I say or do shocks or embarrasses her, and often she’ll add to whatever silliness I originate when we’re together. If I start making up a song parody and get stuck for the next line, she’ll jump right in and come up with something funny and sing it. She’s my best friend, and she always has my back. It took a little effort, but I found my soul mate.