My Descent Into The Seven Realms Of Hell
I recently went to four different optical centers in my quest for eye care. Before long, I descended into the "Seven Realms of Hell" - otherwise known as "The Upsell." But, I'm getting ahead of myself.
It had been 2 years since my last eye exam. My Medicare Advantage Plan provides for a free eye exam each year, and it was a good excuse to "get out of the house and blow off the stink." Isn't that a charming expression? My father used to use it when he was trying to persuade me to go with him to the store. In his mind, it beat offering his kid a bribe. No, the threat of offending someone with my body odor if I didn't air it out periodically used shame instead. I was 4 when he started using that technique on me.
Getting back to the eye thingy - Clarkson Eye Center was listed among the providers that accept Essence, my health plan. I went there for my eye exam. While I was there the tech that did some of the initial testing mentioned some special test that cost $25 extra. I said, "No thanks, I'm just here for the regular eye exam." She said, we'll we do it anyway, but just won't give you the results." What the fudge?
When I saw an actual optometrist and she gave me the eye test, it turned out that I did need a slightly stronger prescription. While I was there I priced their eyeglasses. Even with what I was allowed on the vision portion of my health insurance, it was still too expensive, so like I did 2 years earlier, I requested a copy of my new prescription and I left without getting glasses.
While I was searching the Internet for deals on eyeglasses I came across an ad for them at J.C. Penny. They were offering 2 pairs of eyeglasses for $99, and that included seamless bifocals and scratch resistant lenses. What a deal!
I went to the J. C. Penny at West County Mall. It's been over a year since I've been in a Mall. The optical department required masks, and once you tried on a pair of frames you had to put them in a little basket for disinfecting. I have had my 2 shots, so unless any of the frames contained Kryptonite, I would be fine, masks or no masks.
I still wear my mask whenever I go into a store. Maybe I'm too cautious. Back in the 80's when I heard about AIDS I wore a full body condom when having sex. I was having trouble finding 2 pairs of frames that I liked. Meanwhile, the basket was overflowing with frames I tried on.
"Artie," the nice young lady that was helping me, found a frame that I sort of liked, and I finally found a 2nd frame that might work. We sat down to work out my order.
The first thing
she said to me was, "With your prescription, regular lenses are going to
be very thick." I had visions of two Coke bottles attached to my face. She
suggested an upgrade to polycarbonate lenses. They would be much thinner.
The next thing Artie suggested was an upgrade to "High Definition" lenses. She explained, "You will see things clearer and the area of correction will be slightly expanded."
Then she talked about the "Deluxe Safety Package," which included built in mini-airbags that would inflate from the frames in the event that I fell on my face. Another "safety feature" was the auto-danger sensors built into the frames. They were designed to emit a loud series of "BEEPS" any time a butt came within 6 inches of the glasses. I've had occasion to put my glasses on my bed while dressing and then forget where I put them and sit on them. That safety feature would be very handy.
By the time she was done the retail cost of the two pairs of eyeglasses before she started the discounts, was over $1,000.00. Yep, what started out as 2 pair for $99 seemed so far away now.
Artie suddenly started chanting and sprinkling fairy dust over her keyboard and began that voodoo that she do, so well! There was a discount for the special sale, there was a discount for it being Monday, and of course a senior discount. That brought the cost down to about $460.
I told her, "Even with your sale and discounts, my current glasses were only $220 as the everyday price at Walmart. But wait, there's more! If you call now, we'll throw in yet another discount, the military discount. Order before midnight so you don't forget! Order after midnight in case you do forget!
Artie asked me, "Have you ever been in the military?" My first response was, "No," but then I remembered I was a boy scout 60 years ago. "Close enough!" answered Artie, and she lopped some more off the price.
"Can you yodel?" I can try... "Yodel-lay-hee-hoo!" "Excellent," she said excitedly, and got the price down to $363 with tax. I gave her my credit card and the deal was done. Five steps out the door I began to experience buyer's remorse. The same sick feeling I used to get years ago when I picked up women on Washington Avenue.
11 days later I got the call that my glasses were ready. I went back to Artie and she adjusted each pair of glasses. When I got in my car I put on one of the pair of glasses. Yikes! In the bright light of the day, they were an entirely different color from what I thought they were in the subdued lighting of the store. They weren't dark brown, they were actually bright copper. Not me, not me at all.
When I got home I put the other pair on. They were simple black frames, and they would go great with my cocktail dress. 15 minutes after I put them on they made my nose hurt so bad I had to remove them. It was Saturday, and I decided to think about returning them over the weekend. In the interest of brevity, I'll shorten this part. I took the glasses back and got a refund.
At this point I decided to go to Walmart's optical department in scenic Bridgeton. My last pair of glasses came from a Walmart in Chesterfield Valley, and I was happy with them. In fact, if I hadn't scratched the lenses I probably wouldn't have wanted to replace them yet.
This was my first time in Walmart in over a year. When I arrived at the optical department there were no customers there. A young man was on the phone and I approached him. I saw he was on hold and I asked him, "May I look at the frames?"
He held up a finger which I took to mean, "No, you have to wait until I get off the phone," so I stood there waiting." Several minutes went by and I started to ask him again and he cut me off with a sound that resembled an old style radiator with escaping steam.
A few more minutes went by, and once again I began, "I just want to.." With a frown on his face he said more forcefully, "Zip it!" Who was I dealing with, Dr. Evil?
I mentally told myself, "Screw this and the horse you rode in on," and I turned and left. I was going to head for the other Walmart, the one in the land of lollipops and jelly beans, in yon Chesterfield Valley. Fate intervened. I missed my exit to 270 and ended up on highway 70 West. Hmmm, we did just join Costco.
A friend told me she got her last pair of eye glasses at Costco so I took this as an omen and changed my plan. Costco it is! The optical department at Costco in St. Peters is just inside the door to the right. There were several customers looking at frames and I went to join them. I saw they were all reasonable prices, like $59.99 to $89.99. Not only that, but I saw at least a dozen frames that I liked. Yay! After asking a nice young man behind the counter what it would cost for seamless bifocals, with scratch resistant lenses, blue blocker, power steering, power brakes, air conditioning, and white sidewalls - wait, I was flashing back to a car purchase in the 60's.
All of the bells and whistles that ran the cost up to $500 or more at J. C. Penny were only $240 for the best available lenses at Costco. DEAL! Once that was done, I went to look at 5 gallon jugs of mouthwash.
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