My War Against Flies

 My War Against Flies

By

Stu Cassell

Ever since I read that flies vomit on your food I have posted Wanted: Dead or Dead signs around my house. In order to properly prepare in my vendetta against them I did some research. The first thing I thought of when I read that flies vomit a lot is, "If they're going to be sick that often, maybe they should cut back on some of the flying."

But then I discovered that they use their regurgitated saliva and partially digested food to break down solids and make them edible. So let me get this straight - That dirty fly, that just moments ago was in my backyard, sampling such rare delicacies as "dog poop du jour" is now puking some of it up to dump on my mashed potatoes to turn them into a fly "slushie" it can then lap up? No no no no no!

But the horror and disgust don't end there with Mr. Fly. Apparently, because they drink a lot they poop a lot. My wife doesn't understand my obsession with ridding our house of any fly that dare enters, and doing it with extreme prejudice. That's right, I'm a fly bigot! But as I told her, "Imagine me running from room to room, leaving you a bunch of smelly surprises all over the place!" Why should the fly get away with it?

Speaking of smelly, did you know that flies smell with their feet? "Hey Fly, did you wipe your feet off before you started dancing on my oatmeal to see if it's fresh enough for you to vomit on?"

Did you know that your average house fly is capable of transmitting over 75 diseases to you? And to think, I used to believe I caught that bad stuff from toilet seats and dirty door knobs.

There are lots of ways to kill a fly, starting with the old reliable fly swatter. The only problem I've had with fly swatters is that I get so caught up with the chase, that I sometimes forget that the fly landed on something breakable. Yep, I've broken a light fixture or two in my time. There are fly zappers, and even fly guns, with tiny scopes to help your aim. But I think I have come up with the ultimate solution for killing flies - my kitchen window. This is the "elephant graveyard" for flies. Whenever a fly comes buzzing around our house I open the kitchen window, which has a screen on it. Sooner or later the fly ends up where the fresh air is, taking a leisurely stroll on the screen. He doesn't know it, but he's just become, "Dead fly walking." All I have to do at this point is suppress my maniacal laughter, and close the window. By morning there are tiny scratch marks on the screen where in utter desperation the fly has tried to claw his way out. At the bottom of the window channel are dozens of dead flies. Meanwhile, I'm in another corner of the kitchen carving yet another notch on the bottom of the kitchen cabinet. Stu: 106 Flies: 0

My wife thinks this approach to fly management is somehow inhumane. She says it would be better to just whack the fly with a fly swatter than make it suffer for 6-8 hours. I tell her until legislation changes, I am within my rights to deal with the pesky disease carriers as I see fit. Next: My squirrel deportation policy.