Survival Guide For Stressed Out Parents
or
Why Some Mammals Eat Their Young
Things you must know in order to survive your children’s childhood
By Stu Cassell
Table of Contents
Chapter One - Parental Intelligence Fluctuations: Children start out thinking their parents are nearly omnipotent, but soon come to believe they are living with 2 organic paperweights.
Chapter Two - The Twelve Steps of Parents Anonymous: 12 Steps every parent must follow, lest they be tempted to procreate again.
Chapter Three - Know Thy Enemy: Clues as to why those cute little demons from Hell are hard wired to make your life as miserable as possible.
Chapter Four - The Bond Between Parent and Child: What separates man from beast - namely, long jail sentences if you try to drown the little buggers!
Chapter Five - My House, My Rules: When you begin to channel your mother. Is that a bad thing?
Chapter Six - Selective Hearing: Examining the phenomenon that enables a child to nod and even respond verbally to something you say, but not absorb any of it.
Chapter Seven - Persuasion Techniques: Gleaned from the most effective KGB conditioning strategies, learn how to get the kids to do what you want.
Chapter Eight - It’s a Mer-a-kal: A child’s amazing recovery from life threatening illnesses that of course preclude going to school.
Chapter Nine - Developing Verbal Skills to Communicate With Another Species: When a simple God Damn it won’t suffice.
Chapter 10 - Genetic Messages: Know what behavior the child is genetically disposed towards and how to deal with their instinctively disruptive behavior without overdosing on Valium.
Chapter One - Parental Intelligence Fluctuations
At each stage of development, children have different perceptions of the intelligence of their parents.
Child's Age: 2 - 4
Parental IQ as perceived by the Child: "Near Omnipotence"
Description of the Child's Development
During this stage of the child's development the parent takes on "God-like" qualities. You are responsible for all miracles that occur in a child's universe. Hence, the child's expectation that you will hear them, regardless of the distance between rooms. As the youngster begins to master the fundamentals of the English language, they will form a particular fascination for the word "Why" and use it a minimum of 3,687,943, 124 times; often incorporating it into a tribal chant, while they conduct an endless series of experiments, altering the pitch, volume, and frequency in an attempt to pinpoint the exact combination that will produce the greatest amount of irritation in the parent.
Child's Age: 5 - 12
Parental IQ as perceived by the child: "Roughly Matching the Parent's Belt Size"
Description of the Child's Development
The child at this time is suddenly blinded by a flash of intelligence which they mistakenly perceive as they own. They are unaware that a hormonal surge has temporarily overloaded their circuits and created this illusion which lasts for several years. They work hard at first asking questions that you haven't the foggiest notion how to answer. They are astounded that you do not have the nuclear weight of zinc on the tip of your tongue, nor do you know the exact age of the galaxy, or that you haven't a clue which dinosaur was the last to be extinct.
Child's Age: 13 - 30
Parental IQ as perceived by the Child: "Less than an Amoeba"
Description of the Child's Development
The child has developed into a superior life form, viewing the parents as some sort of sub-species, which they can barely tolerate, and usually try to ignore. At this point, they interpret any attempt at interaction as a violation of "the prime directive", and resist complying with even the most basic requests with every fibre of their being - thus proving "they are at one with the universe." They are however permitted to exercise limited cooperation on occasions where they are either in need of financial aid or dependent upon the lower strata primates for transportation. Above all, it is important that they always display an underlying hint of disgust regardless of the topic when forced to converse with the parental unit. Any action perceived to be an acknowledgment of an measure of equality between their species and your own is said to put undue strain on their psyche.
Child's Age: 30+
Parental IQ as perceived by the Child: "Sage-like Wisdom"
Description of the Child's Development
The child at this point has experienced several life crisis's, and more than likely resorted to enlisting the aid of the parent to "bail them out." They have moved out to form their own nest, and are suddenly forced to live without the "necessities of life" - i.e. Maid Service, Food Preparation, and Free Transportation. In this most uncivilized world, they are actually required to pay for things such as utilities, insurance, and automobiles. They will seek a mate, bond as a couple, and reproduce. It is after the reproductive process takes place that they slowly evolve into a mammal that can recognize they are markedly similar to the parent. As they go through the rigors of child rearing, they suddenly attain cosmic consciousness as many of life's mysteries unfold before them. They now have full comprehension why some animals eat their young, and marvel at the fact that their own parents somehow managed to survive their childhood without killing each other or initiating some sort of adverse litigation. For the first time in their life they begin to ask you questions that you have answers for, and your intelligence increases geometrically as they suffer through each succeeding stage of their own children's development. In much the same way that soldiers bond with one another in the heat of battle, you and they suddenly come together, meeting on common ground. You find yourself in the unanticipated and totally unbelievable state of sharing one or more moral values. You are now in your child's eyes, a supreme being, having survived this ancient rite of passage which they must now endure. And thus, the species perpetuates.
Chapter Two - The Twelve Steps of Parents Anonymous
1. We admitted we were powerless over our children - that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. We Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity, or that at the very least, we could find a generic prescription for Valium.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him, and ask for divine intervention when we feel like selling our children to Bedouin nomads.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves, and found that our emotional warehouse had been vandalized and we forgot to pay our last insurance premium.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs, and promise to use birth control until we are 90!
6. We're entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character, specifically as they pertain to the act of procreation.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings, or at least take them for us over the weekend.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all; offering our children as indentured servants in lieu of restitution for damages they may have caused.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. Okay, forget about the indentured servant idea.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it, or blame it on hormones.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out, unless there are toll charges involved.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to other parents, and to practice these principles in all our affairs, as well as "one-nighters.”
Chapter Three - Know Thy Enemy!
CHILDREN! Sure they look cute, they're cuddly, and sometimes say funny things, but make no mistake my friends beneath that innocent exterior is a little demon sent straight from hell to make your life miserable. If you don't believe me, read through this list called Stuart's Laws of Childhood Behavior:
1) If a parent goes to take a nap, the laws of the universe state that the child will enter the bedroom exactly 53 seconds after the parent has fallen into a deep sleep. If there is more than one kid they will work out a schedule and take turns disturbing you. If there is just one kid, and a family pet, the kid will pencil in the pet for his turn to wake you up.
2) Whenever the phone rings, there is a little known statute that apparently all children are aware of which states, "As soon as my Mommy or Daddy pick up the phone I will involve myself in a major life crisis (such as not being able to locate a toy) which will require massive whining." Bonus points are earned by the child if they can escalate the whining into a full-fledged cry with real tears.
3) Given: Two siblings must never get along for more than 15 minutes or they forfeit their rights to change their clothes 7 times a day, or to wear the same clothes for 7 straight days in a row.
4) Stuart's Law states that the annoyance factor of a child wanting attention from adults is inversely proportional to the importance of the visitor. For example, the child will color pictures sweetly for the entire 30 minutes that the Jehovah's Witnesses stand at your front door and offer you the Watch Tower, but scream and fuss during the 10 minutes your boss comes into your house to pick something up from you.
5) Toys must be distributed in every room on a daily basis. Full credit is not given to the child if only his room is cluttered.
6) The bathroom is designated as the "arts and crafts area" - the child is encouraged (by himself or a sibling) to explore the cabinets, and to make artful use out of all bottles of shampoo, shaving cream, or after shave within his reach. The new bottle of shampoo must be at least half emptied on every trip to the bathroom. At no time will the child raise the toilet seat before using it (this include females), and every other time the child goes potty, he must NOT flush.
7) If you have just one child, he will remain sufficiently cute and well behaved until temporary insanity sets in and you foolishly decide to have another one. Then the true "Mr. Hyde" nature of the child will come out as soon as you are knee deep in soiled diapers.
8) Along with the laws of gravity, physics, and mathematics, there is the rule that all brothers and sisters must go through the "It's mine" syndrome before they can become adults. Any child found sharing and getting along with his sibling will be put to sleep. One child in Fargo, North Dakota, unaware of this mandate, continued to share his toys with his younger brother, and nearly sent the galaxy into a time slip and dimension warp. Since then, we have been assured that this is a one in a millennium occurrence and will not be repeated.
9) Clean clothes must be soiled as quickly as possible, preferably with a permanently staining solution. New clothes must not make it to the washer until the child "marks his territory" with either blood, chocolate, or permanent magic marker.
10) Trips in the family automobile necessitate asking "how much further is it?" beginning from the time the father backs out of the driveway, and at every interval of 500 feet along the way. Rest stops must occur every 15 minutes, and fights between siblings must be scheduled to maintain a minimal blood pressure of the driver of the vehicle of 280/150. It is expressly forbidden for the child to fall asleep in the car, unless he is 5 minutes from either the destination or his home. The sleep, indicated by rapid eye movements, must be coma-like, and under no circumstances is the child to get up and into the house under his own power.
11) The child will never develop a liking for more than one vegetable; any time any other vegetable is served, the child must assume it is poison or a sterility agent to end the species and act accordingly. The child must feign a lack of appetite due to illness whenever convenient, but with the ability for instant recovery ("It's a mer-a-cal") whenever dessert is within striking distance of his little mug.
12) Whatever time the parent determines the child should go to bed must be adjusted to a minimum of one hour later. Parents feel reassured with the ritual of nightly temper tantrums, and enjoy the stress a good crying fit brings to the conclusion of their day. The parent must be provoked up to the point of either physical violence (but not beyond unless an attorney is present to represent the child in a suit for specific damages), or nervous breakdown. The child's success can easily be determined by either attaching a decibel reading device to his headboard and/or simply counting the number of times the parent blinks and screams "God Dammit!"
13) The child must never go to the bathroom or get sufficient water for his thirst prior to being tucked in. He must develop a parched throat within 5 minutes of his door being closed, and must come out a minimum of 6 times for water. Bonus points are awarded if he can dupe his parents into providing "room service". Tipping is optional.
14) Regardless of when his parents go to sleep, the child must wake them up 2 hours before their alarm, with the following exception: If the child attends a pre-school or elementary school, he must sleep later than his parents, and only wake up after his mother or father have called his name or gently shaken him no less than 12 times. He must do this all week long, and on Saturday if he knows his parents are sleeping late, he should wake them up at 5 am. After he is sure their sleep is disturbed, and they cannot return to sleep, just prior to their venting their anger, he must look up at them angelically and say, "I love you Mommy and Daddy" to remove their emotional arsenal before possible assault.
15) New toys must be broken within 24 hours of their receipt. Expensive toys should be played with for 3 straight days from morning to night, and then discarded forever. The large cardboard box the toy came in should be used as playhouse in the middle of the living room for a minimum of one month before the child will agree to let his parents dispose of it.
16) The television is the child's bible. Whatever he hears or sees must be taken as the gospel truth. The child must beg his parents for anything he sees on television for at least 15 minutes per each hour of television viewed.
17) Whenever possible the child should use indisputable logic in winning an argument with an adult, and should remind the adult of every inconsistent thing the adult has ever said. Children understand that this technique is extremely helpful in messing up an adult's psyche. The earlier in life the parent can be made to feel ignorant the better.
18) At any restaurant there must be at least one child under 3 years of age that will assume the responsibility for squealing in as high a pitch as humanly possible, and at a minimum decibel range comparable to that of an airplane jet engine.
NOTE: The child's loud restaurant squeal is the basis for the development of a sonic weapon known as the LRAD (or Long Range Acoustic Device). The LRAD, often used by riot police in crowd control situations, disrupts the hearing of all who comes in contact with it, and is extremely disorienting.
In instances where there is already a child in place in a restaurant screaming, other children should run around the restaurant at full speed, making sure their parents are in hot pursuit.
19) For variety sake while at a crowded movie theater in lieu of the LRAD squeal a child may substitute demands to visit the rest room with the closest parent every 20 minutes. Extra credit can be earned if the child has sticky fingers and manages to touch every other person in the aisle on the way out.
20) Cooperation with the parents is to be considered a last resort only after all other options have been exhausted.
21) Children above the age of 5 must secure possession of their own cell phone. Ways of procuring said device include constant whining, emotional blackmail induced via guilt, and that old reliable standby, "But Jimmy has one!" When all else fails the child can resort to claiming the cell phone will prevent abduction by child pornographers and interstellar aliens. Once the child is in possession of a cell phone they must keep their gaze on the screen at all times, including meals, bedtime, and trips to the bathroom. Bonus points are awarded if the child can install an annoying ring tone and crank the volume up to the maximum setting.
So there you have it my friends - read and re-read the list, and what ever you do - DON'T TURN YOUR BACKS ON THEM!
Chapter Four - The Bond Between Parent and Child -
They’re Born Cute So You Don’t Drown Them
Because mothers are endowed with Maternal Instincts, and fathers with Paternal Instincts (wonder if Hermaphrodites have both?), we are willing to be the following to our offspring:
1) Landlords providing rent free housing
2) Chefs/Short Order Cooks making meals without charge
3) Maitre De’s - “something by the refrigerator, perhaps?”
4) Bell Hops/Room Service - “will there be anything else with that 2 am glass of water, sir?”
5) Chauffeurs - let’s see, AM school drop-off, PM school pickup, soccer league, library, etc. etc. etc.
6) Doctors/Nurses dispensing free medical advice, treatment, and medication
7) Social Workers/Psychiatrists offering solicited and unsolicited psychological advice - no fee, unlimited couch time
8) Laundry Attendants - “no starch in the X-men briefs, please”
9) Bankers - allowances, short and long term loans with zero-interest
10) Wardrobe Managers - You wanted me to get you something in a 3 wide?
11) Seamstress/Tailors - “and leave the cuffs this time!”
12) Athletic Coaches - keep your eye on the ball and maybe next time you won’t get hit
13) Property Managers - No I don’t know where your gloves went
14) Repair Men/Women - Okay, after I fix your zipper, I’ll look at your crashed computer
15) Mafia Enforcers - “You want I should rub out little Billy for elbowing you on the bus?”
So we do all these things usually without acknowledgment or thanks, often with complaints - so why don’t we finally get fed up, and like other mammals turn on our offspring and eat them? Many will suggest an instinctive bond between parent and child, that supersedes any impulse to do them harm. I think it’s just that the meat is too stringy… Besides, the bottom line is that the species must be perpetuated, at least long enough for you to witness your grandchildren doing the same numbers on your children that they did to you. Let all humanity rise and shout together, “WAIT TIL YOU HAVE KIDS OF YOUR OWN!” Can I get an AMEN?
Chapter Five - My House, My Rules!
(When you start to turn into your Mother)
There comes a time in every parent's life when that moment of extreme horror
and disbelief hits you and you realize - YOU HAVE SUDDENLY BECOME YOUR
PARENTS!
(organ horror music building to a crescendo in the background)
Yes, that same boy that used to jump off the garage roof with an umbrella for
a parachute is now telling his son, "Don't swing so high boy, you might fall
and hurt yourself."
I couldn't believe it, the first time it happened. It started out a normal
day, not unlike so many others; the sun was shining, there was a gentle
breeze blowing through the trees, the birds were singing their little songs of
joy - then without warning, I found my father's words coming out of MY mouth!
"This is my house, and as long as you live here, you'll follow my rules".
"How many times have I told you to pick up your toys?"
"We're not running a short order restaurant here buddy."
"When I was a kid we didn't have Ninetendo, we read" (okay, so it was Mad
magazine, but I still read it).
Very scary, when you realize that all of the things you fought against with
your last gasping little kid breath, you are now trying to pound into the
heads of your kids.
"Don't leave that refrigerator door open".
"Get a glass, don't drink from the bottle"
"Who didn't flush the toilet?" (or left the lid up?)
"If I trip over these toys one more time....!"
Yes, I had become both my father and my mother. My gift from my mother, a
gift she had received from her mother, and one handed down from generation to
generation was the ability to instill guilt.
"I work all day long to provide you with a decent home and nice clothes and
toys to play with, AND THIS IS HOW YOU THANK ME?"
"Do you want me to get a heart attack and die?"
"Do you know I had HAIR on my HEAD before I had children?"
and I knew the transformation was truly complete when despite my efforts to
control myself and not do it, I heard myself yell,
"SOMEDAY YOU'LL HAVE KIDS OF YOUR OWN, AND THEN YOU'LL SEE".
to make matters worse, now my parents laugh when I tell them some of the
things my children do to torment me. The same things I used to get spanked
for doing, now tickles my parents when my kids do it. They were very amused
when 4 year old Joshua used his crayons on 20 feet of wallpaper in the
living room. When he discovered shoe polish and went at the yellow paint in
his bedroom, they thought that was hilarious. Yes, this is what you call
"parental payback time." That point in time, when a parent is in the autumn
of their years, and has lived long enough to see there kids get a taste of
what they gave them 30 or more years earlier.
So my friends, fellow parents, comrades in arms, when things really get tense
on the homefront, when you ready to scream and break into tears, hang on to
this thought, this bright little ray of hope; someday, they'll be parents
too, and then IT WILL BE THEIR TURN!!!!! (I only hope I live that long)
Chapter Six - Selective Hearing
Years ago I had a wonderful mixed breed dog named Karma, who I discovered had what I have come to call “Selective Hearing.” The dog normally responded to dozens of commands with total obedience. However there were occasions when he’d totally ignore you, and continue to go about his business as though I wasn’t even there.
As a parent I found that children possess this ability to tune out their parents as well. This can be exhibited in two different ways. First, in like fashion as the dog, the child simply pretends you never uttered a word. My older son Ben is a master of this technique. He employs it whenever I ask him anything related to his social life and girls. I will ask, “So tell me Ben, are there any girls at school you’ve found interesting?” If Ben is eating dinner, he won’t even break stride in shoveling the food inside his mouth - his eyes don’t even blink, and there is virtually no sign that he even heard the question. If I were in a nightclub and I told a joke that didn’t get a laugh, at this point, I’d be tapping the microphone asking, “Is this thing on?”
While in this “fugue state” further inquiries are pointless, as the complete lack of response begins to erode at the fabric of your own reality. You begin to ask yourself, “Do I really exist, or am I a figment of my imagination?”
The second commonly employed instance of Selective Hearing is the perfectly timed reply to a specific inquiry that is so authentically delivered you would swear the child heard what you asked and gave you an appropriate reply.
“Did you remember to pack your lunch today?”
“Yes Dad.’
Then later that Dad he comes home from school complaining how hungry he is because he forgot to put his lunch in his book bag. When you asked him how that could happen since you specifically mentioned it that morning, he tells you, “I didn’t hear you ask about that.”
The kid was looking you straight in the eye when you asked him, “Did you remember to pack your lunch.” The mouth opened and words came out; “Yes Dad.”
When this occurs with any frequency the only thing you can do is follow the initial question with, “Are you sure?” Even that often doesn’t penetrate the wonderfully perfect “tune out” that the child has achieved that can only find it’s parallel among the Tibetian Monks who have practiced transidental meditation for centuries before perfecting this method of exiting from current reality into your own mind.
No, unless you carry a Popeil Pocket Lie Detector and are willing to run daily tests on your children, it becomes a matter of proving they actually are hearing you. One way would be by asking them a series of questions that only a conscious relatively rational human being would be able to answer. Ask them in a firm but calm voice and go on to the next question as quickly as the child answers your last one.
1) Who was our 16th President?
2) What sport did Babe Ruth play?
3) How many inches make up a foot?
4) When did you last change your underwear?
5) What’s a Pokemon?
6) Name 30 vegetables you hate.
7) What was your mother’s maiden name?
8) What are the current top three music video’s?
9) What’s that strange green thing under your bed?
10) If you’re really you, who am I?
Lastly, when all else fails, make the PROVE they have heard the question and the answer they gave is the truth. This is a pain for both of you, but actually works and you’ll only have to do it occasionally.
“You did pack your lunch? - show it to me.”
Yes, you may piss off the kid, but you will have satisfied yourself that at the very least, the damn lunch is being taken to school.
Chapter Seven - "Persuasion Techniques"
We use several techniques in our house to get our two boys to do what we ask
based on positive reinforcement and KGB fear tactics.
For example, if I take my kids to the supermarket I announce ahead of time
that we are there to buy food, not treats or candy. If they make the trip
with me and do not whine for candy or some other goody, then I usually let
them pick out one such goody as a reward for not asking. I first learned
about this technique as a teenager when I started dating. If I didn't ask
for sex, it was often presented to me as a reward for not "whining" for it.
If the children are doing something inappropriate we use what we refer to as,
"Creative Threats". For example, my favorite one (besides picking up one of
their teddy bears and holding a knife to it's throat and saying, "do that one
more time and the bear gets it!") is to use a "multi-generational" threat. I
might say something like, "If you don't pick up your toys right now, not only
will you never see another video for the rest of your life, but when you
have kids, I'll come over to your house and see to it that they don't either!"
This approach makes the child consider the consequences of his actions since
they not only affect him, but also his offspring. He thinks twice before
resisting since he doesn't want someone coming to him 20 years from now
complaining, "Great, I can't ever watch video because YOU DIDN'T PICK UP YOUR TOYS 20 years ago!"
Chapter Eight - It’s A Mer-a-Kal! -
Children’s Illness & Recovery
The great actor Sir Lawrence Oliver was once asked to what he attributed his success and mastery of his craft. He replied, “I wasn’t fond of school as a youngster, and often pretended I was sick so my mother would keep me at home.”
That story is completely bogus - I made it up; but wouldn’t it have made a great lead-in for this next section on Children and Illness?
There’s no doubt about it though, kids are the world’s greatest natural actors. The range of emotions they can emulate instantly are the envy of any thespian (and heterosexuals too!).
My own sister Carol used to scream bloody murder if I came any where near her, acting as though I had hit her, even before I reached her, sometimes a week in advance. The desired result was the yell from the other room from a parent who couldn’t really see what was happening to “Leave her alone!” Then she’d smirk at me and wait for her academy award nomination in the Spring.
This is not to say that all kids feign fear, excitement, sadness, joy, and the heartbreak of psoriasis. However, a great deal of them will exaggerate their symptoms if it means a day off of school. The amazing thing is how quickly they bounce back once the day is half over and they know they are home for the duration.
My own sons can be sick to their stomachs in the morning, wracked with pain in their backs, their shoulders, their legs, and three hours later, they are ready to play again. Like a blind man who can suddenly see after hands are laid upon him at a revival meeting, IT’S A MER-A-KAL! Praise the Lord! Yes, at about 2 pm in the afternoon they’re suddenly well enough to play video games, to eat regular meals, and to go outside and shoot hoops.
But we’re on to them, aren’t we? The key to discouraging bogus illnesses is to reduce the fun factor in staying home. Limit the stimulation/entertainment available to them. Make them stay in bed and (God forbid!), either read a book or rest quietly. Lastly, make the restricted activity run all day and evening. Let them know if they stay home from school it’s going to be sooooooooo boring. That way, school becomes the lesser of two evils and if they do appear ill, you’ve convinced yourself that they must really be feeling bad to subject themselves to such a mundane routine.
Chapter Nine - Developing Verbal Skills to
Communicate With Other Species
Here is one particularly useful technique when trying to communicate with a child. First, let's state the obvious: In any encounter with a humanoid below the age of 25 (remember, in the Jewish religion you're considered a fetus until you become a doctor!), there is an excellent probability that your blood pressure will rise dramatically, and that your communication skills will suffer for it.
For those occasions where a simple, "God Damn It!" won't suffice, I have developed the "Vopeil Pocket Verb-a-lizer". Yes friends, with the Vopeil Pocket Verb-a-lizer, no longer will you stand there exasperated, with no verbal ammunition to fling at your offspring. It's simple, it's easy, and it leaves no messy stains.
All you do, is turn the last noun your child utters into a verb. For example:
Let's suppose the child starts whining for one more cookie;
Child: "But Da-aaad, I want just one more coo-kie, plea-zzzzze! ::whimper, sniff, sniff::"
Parent: (engage the Verb-a-lizer) "If you don't get right into your bedroom I'll COOKIE You!"
The Vopeil Pocket Verb-a-lizer even works on adults! Watch:
Lady: "What do I do for a living? Why, I'm a nurse."
You: (engage the Verb-a-lizer) "Really Babe? Well, NURSE THIS!" (grab your crotch for full effect)
Next: The artful usage of the rhetorical sentence in stressful situations
"Do I look like a short order cook to you?"
"Do you think money grows on trees?"
"How many times do I have to ask?"
"Do you think I enjoy yelling at you?"
"Am I supposed to be your maid and butler?"
"Do I look like a bank?"
Practice these techniques daily until they become a conditioned reflex.
Chapter Ten - Genetic Messages
All creatures are born with genetic codes that send instinctive signals to do certain behavior at various stages of their development. While retirees wait until they hit their 60’s and 70’s to fly planes to Miami, birds instinctively do this much sooner in their lives.
Children have a complex set of genetic messages that kick in when outside stimuli prompt them. Some instincts never develop unless the conditions are right. Such is the case with the CPA instinct. An only child may never receive the genetic signal to become a Certified Public Accountant. However, a child with one or more siblings, will get a clear signal to become an expert Bookkeeper at around the age of 3. From that point on they will keep a concise ledger sheet on each family member, tracking debits and credits, and constantly drawing comparisons between them.
What you may perceive and what has previously been described as simple “sibling rivalry” is in fact, the issuance of a periodic balance sheet that the child has spent countless hours computing.
“He got more candy than I did!” - issued after extensive inventories were conducted and personal shortages discovered.
Often the accounting will extend beyond goods and very often call into play a reckoning of privileges, services and corporal punishments as well. “How come He doesn’t get sent to his room when he farts?”
“I didn’t get to stay up that late when I was her age!”
In some cases, the audit will even preceed the child’s birth. When our younger son was 8 years old we were watching some early video tapes of his older brother. Joshua seized the opportunity, got a court subpeona to examine the records, and then began a verbal financial report that lasted for years. It was a very complex and detailed analysis of everything his brother received for those 3 years before he was born. For months, if not years we all heard about “the three years that Ben got that I missed out on.”
Most audits conducted by the child are concluded with the universally practiced mantra: “IT’S NOT FAIR!”
How does the parent deal with such accurate and precise accounting? First, recognize that your child is really doing you a favor. After dealing with years of this type of intense scrutiny of the distribution of wealth and services, if you ever get an IRS audit, it will seem like a walk in the park.
There are several ways you can respond when the CPA genetic message kicks in:
1) If you have the energy you can conduct an audit of your own the goal of which is to prove the child is in error, that there must be some flaw in their record keeping, thus weakening their ability to use their ledger sheet to leverage more out of you.
2) You can try logic (although many would argue that you’d stand a better chance of convincing the sun not to shine, than to get a child to accept they have been treated fairly and have received as much as their siblings). You can use mathematical formulas to prove that just because their records show their siblings have received more to date, that based on statistical probabilities, actuarial tables, that over their lifetime, they will ultimately be on an equal footing with the “privileged” relative. You can point out to them that their older brother or sister will probably die before them, thus giving them an open field to reap all they desire at harvest time.
3) You can throw non-sequiturs at them - show them how little you received by comparison as a child. How much more they have than the nomads of the Serengety desert possess. You can even toss in a few totally irrelevant cliches, such as, “I once complained I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no foot powder.” Or, Heaven helps those who help themselves when interest rates are favorable.”
4) Last but not least, when you hear the tribal chant, “IT’S NOT FAIR!” you can simply reply, “Life isn’t fair, and the sooner you understand that the happier you’ll be.” Then you can list a hundred instances of why life really isn’t fair for anyone. Here are a few to get you started:
A) Adam and Eve being tossed out of the Garden of Eden just for noshing on a little fruit
B) Women having to go through menopause while men age without major bodily upheavals
C) The Yankees winning so many World Series
D) The Cubs losing so consistently
E) The disparity between the number of hot dogs in a package and the number of buns in a package.
F) Rain coming every time you wash your car
G) Our current system of taxation
H) Having to endure station logos in the corner of your TV screen throughout the entire show.
I) Weather bulletins that take up half of the screen
J) Snoring spouses that always fall asleep before the non-snoring one.
K) Plastic packaging on things you buy that would withstand a nuclear bomb before opening.
L) Fresh spinach leaves getting soggy before you have a chance to eat them.
M) The best tasting food having the most calories, especially desserts.
Hopefully, you will have found this material to be of some use as you endure the trials and tribulations, challenges, and legal issues, known as parenting. It was written tongue in cheek, yet if nothing else, remember, IT’S US AGAINST THEM! Be strong, and remember, your parents survived your childhood, you’ll survive theirs.
GOOD LUCK AND GOD BLESS.
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