The Invisible Man

 

I always discounted my looks, probably because I was so short.  Life set me up for disappointment.  My father was nearly 6 foot tall.  However, he married a woman that was 5’2”.  I lost in the genetic crap game - I ended up 5’5”.

So, being short like that, despite having a decent looking face, and a “six pack” from lifting weights in my teens, I never considered my looks as a way to attract women.  No, I relied on my sense of humor.  I found that if you can get a girl to laugh, she often overlooked your lack of stature.  Not always though.

As time went on, I worked on funny ways to break the ice with women.  Back in the 60’s, you could actually approach someone you didn’t know and strike up a conversation with them without them immediately labeling you “Stalker.”

In college I passed a note to a very pretty blonde in my art appreciation class. 

I find you very attractive.  Please check one of the following boxes:

 How lovely, you may call me at: ___________________

I’m sorry, but I will be joining a convent this weekend.

I would love to get to know you, but I think my husband might object

 Buzz off CREEP!

She laughed, but didn’t fill out my silly questionnaire.  However, we did start talking after class and eventually we went out.

Once I was in the school cafeteria and saw an attractive young lady and approached her, and pretended to look for something around her chair.

“Excuse me miss, I seem to have lost my Congressional Medal of Honor.”

She looked a little confused and then stood up to leave.  She was 6 inches taller than me, and didn’t find me the least bit amusing. 

My psyche sent out a statement to my brain:  “REJECTION, REJECTION, we are now entering the Depression Zone.  Please activate Self-Esteem Memories.”

I always had to remind myself “It’s a numbers game Stu, they’re not all going to like you – but think of your successes.”   I allowed myself 5 minutes of self-pity, before I resolved to not let it get me down.

The best experience I ever had was at the beginning of my stand-up comedy career.  I was working at a nightclub called Axles in Detroit.  There was a hostess that literally took my breath away.  She was 6 feet tall, had red hair, blue eyes, and a fantastic figure. 

I marched fearlessly up to her, despite the fact that in her 4 inch heels she towered over me, and said with a smile, “You’re beautiful, can I buy you a drink, wax your car, or simply grovel at your feet?”

She laughed and said, “I’m Mickey, who are you little man?”

I replied, “I’m Stu, would you like to take me home and hurt me?”

I got another laugh from her, and she gave me her phone number. 

We dated for several months.  I know we must have been quite the sight, walking together – tall, gorgeous, statuesque Mickey, and “fun-sized” Stu.

Flash forward 50 years.  Now I’m in my upper 70’s, and like service people, I’ve become invisible. That’s right, no one sees me anymore.  Old people and waiters and waitresses are generally not looked at very closely.  Maids and housekeepers come and go without notice.

A few weeks ago I was in a line dancing class at the Edward Jones YMCA.  Two new women came into the gym to attend the class, and one of them looked at me and said, “You have nice legs.” I was wearing shorts at the time, and nearly went into shock.  First, apparently, I wasn’t as invisible as I thought I was, and secondly, that was the first time a woman complimented some part of me in many decades.

I may have blushed as I said, “Thank you,” and thought to myself, “What don’t you let me take you away from all this, maybe to Tahiti?” 

But, I’m married, and that lady never came back to the line dancing class, so I remain, “The Invisible Man.”