The Key To Immortality

 The Key to Immortality

 By

 Stu Cassell

 As a kid I can remember the first scientific study that affected my life.  It was about diet soda.  It showed that a small percentage of rats fed a mixture of cyclamates and saccharin, at levels equaling a human drinking 350 cans of diet soda a day, developed bladder cancer.

 In 1969 the Food and Drug Administration banned the sale of diet sodas containing cyclamates and saccharin.  There went my Diet Rite cola. I would have to rely on the second hand smoke from my mother and father’s chain smoking if I wanted to get cancer, not my favorite soda.  Incidentally, the same year we banned cyclamates, the government in the United Kingdom okayed them for use in foods.  A while back the scientific community here more or less came to the conclusion that they weren’t so harmful after all. I guess they realized that most people don’t drink 350 cans of soda a day.

 In the late 70’s laboratories across the country were doing research on a host of consumer products.  Microwaves were just becoming popular as a way to reheat or cook foods using microwave radiation.

 Apparently, once microwave ovens became popular, a group of scientists decided to study them to determine what if any ill effects they caused.  They took some rats and strapped microwaves to their stomachs.  After three months they determined that microwaves cause hernias in rats.

 Some of the things the FDA have done to “protect us” are comical, like insisting the makers of hair blow dryers include a warning label advising consumers not to use the hair dryers while showering. I’m so thankful they did that.  Otherwise, I’m sure I would have developed the nasty habit of drying my hair WHILE I showered, instead of AFTER I showered.

 Aerosol spray cans have been around since the late 1940’s, but in the 70’s the primary propellant contained in them, fluorocarbons, were believed to be harming the earth’s protective ozone layer.  Fluorocarbons were replaced with hydrocarbons in an effort to reverse the effects of global warming.

 What amuses me is that while some scientist in a room in some government funded laboratory was asking his collogues, “Is it getting warmer on earth, or is it just me?” no one took note of the fact that aerosol sprays caused two other health hazards.

 My mother and millions of other ladies were using hair spray and creating hard hair helmets that resulted in numerous head injuries to their husbands when they got close to kiss them.

 Also, the contents of these high pressured chemicals were extremely flammable.  I can remember taking a can of spray deodorant and holding a lit match in front of it as I sprayed, creating a home made blow torch. I was always worried that a midget smoking a cigarette might accidentally cause my armpits to explode.

 Meanwhile, the other night I watched a Smithsonian special on telomeres, the protective ends of chromosomes.  The length of telomeres determines how many times a cell can divide.  It is believed that the limited amount of times our cells can divide is related to aging and determines our longevity.

 Furthermore, external factors such as diet, exercise, and stress can influence the length of telomeres. In the special they showed a group of low level prostate cancer subjects who were able to induce a remission of their cancer through activities and diet designed to reduce the stress in their lives.  Conversely, people with high stress that were tested showed shortened telomeres, indicating stress definitely shortens our lives.

 Guys, this is exciting news!  What it means is that if we can get our wives to stop nagging us to take out the trash or pick up our clothes, we’ll live forever!