The Walmart Lottery

The Walmart Lottery

By

Stu Cassell

WARNING-This is a LONG post. You may want to just wait until the movie version comes out. 

I recently turned 72 (exactly 5 hours ago) and when I was younger I thought if I made it to 80 everything after that was "gravy." However, with the state that our country and world is presently in I revised it to 70. This new benchmark was recently reinforced when I visited my dentist, who also happens to be a friend from high school. Each time I visit Dr. Cohen, he brings me up to date on who from our class has died since my last appointment. So when he asks me, "How are you doing, Stu?" I reply, "Well, I'm still here." 

I remember my father with his newspaper. Right after he read the sports page he'd go to the obituaries to check if he was among those listed. What has all of this to do with shopping at Walmart? I'm glad you asked. When the word first came out about the Coronavirus, back in January and February, it was this horrible thing that was going on in China and Europe. Back then I routinely went into all the stores. But, around May I stopped going inside Walmart and began to use their pickup service. 

I last went inside an Aldi and Schnuck's a week ago, but have decided I've beaten the odds so far, but I'm not going to push it. From this point on, until they get the Coronavirus under control and have an effective vaccine, I am only going to do curbside pickups for groceries and restaurants.

When I first started tracking the number of cases in Bridgeton it was at 40. This morning it's 187, and Missouri has been designated as one of the "hot spots" in the nation right now. I figure the odds are no longer in my favor, being in one of the more vulnerable age groups. By the way, here's another interesting thing about aging. My mother taught me never to leave the house wearing a t-shirt with a tear in it or a stain on it. But, once you get to a certain age, you become "invisible." No one notices the old man in the baseball cap. Now I can go outside with impunity, even though I've got chocolate stains on the front of my 2006 St. Louis Cardinals World Series Champs t-shirt from dripping my chocolate covered ice cream bar the night before while watching Naked & Afraid XL. No one notices, no one cares, and now, neither do I.

 Another year or two, and I'll be old enough to fall into the "Eccentric Old Man" category. I was looking forward to being a "Dirty Old Man" but in recent years it doesn't have the Je ne sais quoi it once did. But I digress. I wanted to share with you this morning's Walmart Pickup experience in case you're contemplating trying it. First of all, it's both fun and stressful, kind of like my marriage. Walmart gives you the choice of either allowing their picker to do a substitution or not. You use their app or go online to make your selections. Here's the fun part - when you let Walmart do a substitution it's often BETTER than what you originally selected that may be out of stock.

 Pinch me Martha I must be dreaming! I call it the "Walmart Lottery." I think Walmart figures, "Hey, we know you don't enjoy shopping at Walmart, other than the amusement factor of some of our patrons' fashion choices. So, we're going to make it up to you in the event we don't have something you want to buy. We'll even go you one better." 

Thanks Walmart! In the past among my Walmart Lottery wins was a jug of real maple syrup when they didn't have the small bottle I ordered, and at the price of the small one. This morning I got nearly six pounds of ribs for the price of the four pound slab I ordered - same price as the smaller slab. 

Sometimes they just throw in extra stuff. Two weeks ago I got a small Walmart gift bag filled with different flavored water. I felt like I was at the Academy Awards and this was Walmart's "swag bag." This morning I got an extra box of taco shells. Sometimes they're out of an item and have nothing to substitute for it. That happened to me 2 weeks ago when I ordered a container of Ricotta cheese. Today, other than the substitutions, they had everything on my list. 

Wait Stu, where's the stress? Sometimes when things go completely right it makes me worried. It just doesn't seem real. Today, the stress came in the form of apparent glitches in their system. The way it works is you get an email when your order is complete and you also can see at that time what substitutions if any have been made. When you're ready to get your stuff you "check in" through a link in the email. Twice I have checked in and got an immediate emailed response to confirm they received my check in, but when I was half-way to Walmart then got a notice from them that my check-in didn't work and I should call when I arrive. 

Okay Walmart, I'll play your silly little game. I got to Walmart a few minutes after 7 AM this morning and I was the only one in the pickup area. I pulled into space #1 and called the number on the sign to let them know I was there. I got a recording that said, "The mailbox you called is full, please try again later." Now I'm singing "Oh yeah, we're going to Stress City, here we come" (to the tune of the Beach Boys hit, "Surf City.") 

So I'm sitting there wondering what to do next? I certainly don't intend on going into the store. What I did was the definition of insanity. I did the same thing again expecting a different result - I call the number again. I got the recording again, BUT just as I hung up a young lady came out with my groceries. I really was only waiting for a few moments. The lesson I take from this is that even though it may appear like I have fallen through the cracks in this endeavor, Walmart apparently has my back. When I arrived back home my loving wife was there at the garage door ready to help me bring in the groceries, put them away, and check for contraband, which in this week's stuff took the form of chocolate ice cream shell, vanilla bean ice cream, nachos and potato chips (I told you it was my birthday - Happy Birthday ME!).