Touch Tone Hell

Touch Tone Hell

 By

 Stu Cassell

  I love technology. I’ve had computers since the mid eighties, and have kept up with the software and hardware ever since.  I use my computer for everything from shopping, accounting, e-mail, making CDs of my music, DVDs of video that I shoot with both my cell phone and digital camera, to watching movies on line, getting recipes for special meals, and hundreds of other things.  I actually met my wife on line at a dating site.  I even emailed my dentist and she sent me my latest x-rays via email by the afternoon! 

 By connecting our TV antenna to a special TV tuner attached to my computer, using Roku's and Plex software we're able to record and watch programs on 3 different TV's in the house.  Last week when I couldn’t find my UBS cable to transfer some MP3’s from my computer to my cell phone, I used wireless Bluetooth technology to move them.

 Yes, technology is a wonderful thing – most of the time.  But there are times when it’s clearly a curse; like when you are trying to contact someone by telephone, preferably a live human being. Welcome to Touch Tone Hell.

 I recently called AT&T to discuss our rates for our new contract.

 Pulse una para el Español. Press 2 for English.  Once I selected English I was given ten other choices as I made my way through the maze. Ten minutes later, I still hadn’t connected with a human being and was beginning to get frustrated.  In a desperate attempt to crack their secret code I started tossing out random phrases into the phone:

 Customer Service!   Live Agent!  Human Being!  HELP!!!!!

 My wife heard me from the other room and came into the bedroom wondering what the heck I was doing?   I explained to her I was trying to escape from what I now referred to as “The Maze” and I continued to try other words and phrases:

 Support!  Aid!  Problem Desk!  Satan!  Lucifer!  Beelzebub! Prince of Darkness!

 By now I was foaming at the mouth and started panting loudly with my eyes moving wildly from side to side as I began to randomly press buttons on the phone.

 BINGO! We have a winner! I don’t even know what triggered it, but suddenly I heard a long harp run, a chorus singing angelic music in the background, and then there it was – A HUMAN BEING! 

 I thought that was the worst until I ran into a phone system that has to be a secret government experiment to test the limits of human endurance.  It started with the usual choices, which I negotiated and was finally directed to the department I was seeking. Once there, the recording told me there were 3 callers ahead of me.  Then we got to the part where the government testers began to giggle in the background.  While listening to elevator music from the 70’s, every 40 seconds I was given the directive to press * if I wanted to continue to hold. After I had pressed it 25 times, I suddenly heard different music and was told to “leave a message please or call back”.

 What the what?  I hung up and called back and worked my way back to the calling queue, and now there were 8 people ahead of me!  This time after just 5 minutes or 7 pushes on the * key, I was tossed over to the “leave a message or call back” recording.

 “He’s beginning to crack” I imagined the government testers saying as they listened to me cuss.  I left a message this time, but I knew no one was going to call me back. They didn’t.

 It was then that I thought of a joke I read on the Internet.

 “Suicide Hotline – please hold.”